An Open Letter to Myself…

Hey kiddo, I know things are hard right now. I know they’re confusing and scary and you’re hurting really badly. It will get better someday. But it’s gonna take a long time and things are going to get a lot worse, first.

The biggest thing I want you to know is this: you, I -- we -- deserve better. We have always deserved better.

The second thing is this: Mom is wrong about a lot of things. Most things, to be honest.

There’s nothing wrong with you for liking girls. I know she made you feel bad for that crush on our best friend and next door neighbor -- but that was totally normal and natural. And good. You two were really close. You weren’t being bad or weird.

She’s wrong that we ruined her life, too. She did that to herself -- they were her choices and it’s not fair that she holds us responsible for them. She’s the one who didn’t take her birth control correctly, she’s the one who didn’t get an abortion, she’s the one who didn’t put us up for adoption. She’s the one who refused to see the psychiatrist again after they diagnosed her. You’re not responsible for her fuck ups.

And you’re not responsible for her feelings now. I know that’s hard to believe because like, she’s made us into her confidant and leans on us and comes to us when she needs to cry but… that’s not a role you should have been put in. That’s not your responsiblity. And your siblings? Also not your responsibility. You’re the oldest sure, but you’re not the one who should be teaching the youngest to read. You’re not the one who should be making dinner or breakfast or any other meal for the family because dad’s at work and mom is on FR.

The fourth thing I want you to know is this-- and please, god, I want you to internalize this message:

WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY IN AUGUST WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU WERE *FIVE*. THEY WERE 10 AND 12 AND 13.

Mom never should have sent you blocks away with your two year old sister in tow with only the words “watch out for your sister” to guide you.

You are not responsible. It was not your fault. I know you feel that way -- because you told them to go ahead and hurt her. But you didn’t know what they would do and you were five…

And hurting. Because mom obviously favored her, even then. And you were jealous-- because of course you were. But that doesn’t make what they did your fault…

And not telling mom and dad what they did to you the month before? That doesn’t make it your fault either. A lot of people in your life are going to tell you: “you should have told, you should have done something. Anything they do to anyone else is your fault because you didn’t tell.”

It’s going to happen all over again when we’re 21 and it’s going to suck. And yeah, we’re gonna try to kill ourself again. But we’re gonna survive. And we’re going to move on, and we’re going to build a happy life with our best friend and our mate.

(Surprise! You thought no one would ever love you romantically? You end up with two loving partners who would burn the world to the ground for you!)

But anyway: those people are wrong, baby. It’s not your fault. You are not responsible. An abuser is not a wild animal that their victims must chain with disclosure. They are human beings who can make their own decisions. What they do is always and will always be their fault.

And the dirty, ugly truth of the world is? Telling almost never gets them stopped. Because they have power and resources and people hate victims -- and they hate “survivors” more.

And anyway, because it bears repeating kiddo? You. Were. Five. You were practically a baby -- you couldn’t know what would happen. All you knew is you “had sex” and you would get in trouble for it if anyone found out…

You did what you thought would keep you safe. And that was the right thing to do, okay? You did the right thing.

You’re not your sister’s keeper and your mother shouldn’t have been such a fucking absentee parent.

You are smart and so much more capable than you know. You are so much fucking braver and stronger than you know, too. You will go through so, so very much… but you’ll pull through all of it. Battered, scarred and a little bit broken maybe… but you keep going. You keep fighting.

And hey, don’t give up on the goddess, yeah? You’ll find her again -- and when you do, you’ll remember those nights where you sat among the trees and cried and prayed to your heavenly mother because your earthly mother was too caught up in her own bullshit to hold you…

And you’ll know: she heard you. She was right there with you. She will be with you through all of this. Your goddess is a warrior, a seer, a ferrier of the dead. And she will grant you the strength to get through this. Because you are a warrior too.

You’re not alone, not truly. And you won’t feel one forever. You will make amazing friends and find someone who makes you feel all those things you see in movies and desperately want for yourself. You’ll find two people who make you feel that way and they will both be at your side to hold you up and keep pushing you forward when your legs give out and you don’t think you can move again.

You are…

So much more than you think you are -- so much more than you feel you are. You are -- you will be -- an amazing human being. You will bring happiness and meaning to so many people, Jess. You will be surrounded by a family not of blood but of choice who will make you feel safe and wanted again.

You can do this, baby. You can get through absolutely anything that life throws at you. I fucking promise you that. So don’t despair, yeah? It’s gonna be okay someday. Everything will be wonderful someday.