A collection of thoughts…
I wanted to write two stories a month for 2018. I’m not sure I’ll make it in February but I want to get at least one out — even if it’s not really a cohesive post.
First:
There’s a unique form of gaslighting that I think fat people (esp fat women) go through, but every time I try to talk about it seriously, I have trouble coming up with the words. How when you barely eat to begin with (something I’ve noticed a lot of my fellow fat people have a problem with), being told to “stop stuffing your face” or being told constantly how much you eat makes everything you eat feel like “too much”.
Or that might be the possible eating disorder.
Second:
It really sucks as a fat person — especially as a fat femme — that it seems that my body doesn’t really belong to me. I think this is a common feeling for women of all types, but it’s just really hurtful. I hate being told how I should treat my body by everyone. Fatphobes want me to get thin, chubby chasers yell at me not to lose weight. It feels like my body is for everyone but myself. I hate it.
Third:
I’m afraid to see my doctor this Monday. I have an appointment scheduled to talk about my probable eating disorder. My thoughts around food and eating are… Not good. I feel disappointed in myself when I eat “enough” food but disappointed in myself when I don’t eat enough. I feel disappointed for multiple reasons, either way.
When I eat enough, I feel disappointed and have the wonderful internal dialogue of “this is why you’re fat” ‘god why do you eat so much?” “stop eating! gross!”
when I don’t eat enough it gets split between “you’re still eating too much” and “you can’t live on 1100 calories a day, Jess. you’re going to get sick.”
maybe that’s why I’m so fatigued. Maybe that’s why I’m always dizzy.
Who knows? I don’t. Maybe the doctor won’t. I might just cancel. I’d rather go to Goodwill anyway.
That’s it. This is more of a journal entry than an actual story or post. I think this all ties into feelings about bodies and being fat and the expectations we’re forced to conform to as people. So there’s sort of a theme, I guess.
